A Vocation Journey: the road to Damascus

The Conversion of St Paul

This year has been one of discovering and re-discovering vocation. I’ve never been one for maintaining a journal, often attempts to do so end in many uncompleted pages in mostly empty books. However, in a year of discovering and re-discovering vocation one can see in hindsight how such a practice has great value; being able to look back at the moments of insight that shaped the direction one’s life took.

Although I cannot capture again, in the same way, those signficant moments that have brought me to where I am today I have decided to at least try and recall those moments which have become a significant part of my ‘vocation journey’.

In my room hangs this icon of the Conversion of St Paul. It is a constant reminder of my own ‘road to Damascus’ experience. I think it fitting to begin this retrospective ‘vocation journey’ reflection looking at how the Conversion of Saul of Tarsus reminds me of elements of my own ‘conversion’ experience.

Saul of Tarsus was considered a very learned and devout Jew. He was also notorious for his persistent persecution of Christians. Armed with a letter from the High Priest to Saul set out to Damascus to continue his persecution of Christians in Syria. However, Saul was confronted on the road to Damascus by a voice saying “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”. The voice led Saul to Ananias who who placed his hands on Saul and Saul was filled with the Holy Spirit. The Lord said to Ananias that Saul was to be an instrument of God’s word. Paul, as he came to be known became was converted to Christianity and indeed became a significant messenger of God’s word and was martyred for his faith.

I relate to Paul’s ‘road to Damascus’. I started attending Church at the age of 11. I became quite involved with many aspects of the Church. It was when I was about 13 that I first felt called to be a ‘minister’. Had I’ve known about religious orders then I would probably have joined one when I was old enough. Toward the end of my nursing degree I was preparing to enter the Salvation Army Officer’s Training College and had intentions on becoming a missionary. However, I had a major falling out with the Church that led to my ‘persecution’ of the Church. For a number of years after that I had little time for the ‘established’ Churches and made every effort to slander them. What I had previoulsy been so ‘zealous’ for I ‘persecuted’.

One night while I was doing a night shift, in the wee hours of the morning, the tele-evangelists came on. I was listening to the usual routines of these over rated, self-styled, gurus and was making my usual condescending remarks about them when one of the nurses I worked with mentioned that one of her relatives was a minister (in the Baptist Church, I think). That stoppped me in my tracks.

We had a long discussion, how we had both had ‘run ins’ with the Church and felt that it had betrayed its calling to be a messenger of the Gospel in the world. Though we both had decided we were at a point where we wanted to explore going back to Church. Emma and I found a place we wanted to check out and were very happy.

I felt as though God was really present in that place. As I had come from the Salvation Army we did not practice Baptism. However, I felt very strongly that this was what I wanted to do. I arranged with the priest to be Baptised. It was the most amazing experience. As he laid his hands on me it was like something came into me, it was like I began to see the world in a very different way. A friend of mine had come to be with me and as I was driving him home I had to pull over and ask him to drive as I felt almost inebriated, like the world around me was one big video and I was watching it.

I felt as though my eyes and heart had been open again. I felt connected with God once again, it was like being reunited with a long lost friend. This moment began a series of events which would ultimately lead to my joining a religious community.

As I said, I identify in some ways with Paul’s conversion. A man who had deep faith yet could not see the truth of God in Jesus and began persecuting that which he ought to have been understanding and being a part of. However, on the road to Damascus, and at Ananias’ house Saul of Tarsus received a revelation of God’s truth in Jesus and his eyes and heart were opened and he became an instrument of God’s message in the world.

While not as dramatic as Saul’s conversion I feel I went from feeling as though I new and experienced the truth of God but set out to persecute the Church because I had not fully appreciated the reality of God. Then God sent someone to me who would see that I did indeed not only discover the truth of God but how I too could be an instrument of God in the world today.

Thus begins the Vocation Journey. In the next ‘episode’ I want to share how God began to reveal to me God’s plan for my life.