St Martins-in-the-Field, London

In the previous post,  A Vocation Journey: meeting Br John-Francis I recalled how I had made contact with Br John-Francis, one of the members of the Society of St Francis’ vocations team. Br John-Francis had invited me to attend a Vocations Day held at St Martins-in-the-Field.

Despite  feelings of ambivalence there was stronger feeling of wanting to know more about Francis and these Franciscans I had begun to learn about. So, on the Saturday morning I headed off to St Martins to join with others who were inquiring about vocations to Franciscan religious life in the Anglican and Catholic Church - the day was jointly hosted by members of both Franciscan communities.

When I arrived I met John-Francis and the other members of the Anglican and Catholic vocations teams. We began, of course, with some time of prayer. Then the brothers and sisters shared with us stories about St Francis and their lives as Franciscans.

As I listened to them share their stories and watched a video about St Francis a particular image jogged my memory. I saw the image of a man with birds surrounding him and my mind immediately went back to my visit to the Chapel of the Holy Cross in Sedona, AZ that my friend Wendy had taken me to. Suddenly shivers went up and down my spine. It was a very eerie feeling. Not long ago I didn’t really know about St Francis or Franciscans and suddenly with a few months I had meet St Francis one two occassions; once in Sedona and now in London.

Figurine of St Francis of Assisi, Sedona, AZ.

During the day we had opportunity to spend some time looking through St Martins. I discovered a bookshop in the lower part of the Church. They had a copy of Celebrating Common Prayer a version of the Society of St Francis’ Office Book. I had come from a Church background which did not use prayer books so I found navigating this one somewhat of a challenge. However, the directions and explanations of the various Offices in the book gave me enough information to be able to learn to navigate and use the book.

At the end of the day we finished with a service of prayer for discernment of vocations. As we were leaving a remember talking to one of the ladies that had come to inquire about being a sister. I’m not sure what happened to her or any of the others, or whether any of them joined the communities they were inquiring into. Indeed as we parted I still was left with feelings of ambivalence; a theme I want to take up in the next post - A Vocation Journey: feelings of ambivalence.

Br John-Francis informed me that he would be coming to London and that he would be happy to drop by and talk to me more about Francis and the Society of St Francis. We made a time and date to meet up. A few days passed between the intial contact with Br John-Francis and the time we were to meet. By this time I developed a severe case of cold feet syndrome. The right thing to do would have been to re contact Br John-Francis and put off the meeting. Instead I did the not so right thing. I went off to the movies so that I would not be home when he arrived. Talk about taking the coward’s way out. Though I guess you make wrong decisions sometimes.

When I got back from the movies I discovered that Br John-Francis had not got the same case of cold feet that I got and had indeed kept our appointment time. He left a few booklets on the life of St Francis and the Society of St Francis. I immediately picked them up off the floor, lay down on my bed and began reading them. The more I read, the more my cold feet began to warm up again. I again contacted Br John-Francis (I didn’t tell him all that had transpired, that confession would take several years to come out) and said that if it were possible I still wanted to come to the Vocations Day they were holding in St Martins in the Fields.

He was very welcoming and said that it would be good to eventually met up and for me to come along to the Vocations Day as planned. The ensuing days were ones of hot and cold feet. But the material the brother had left always managed to turn the cold feet hot again. The more I read it over, the more the life of Francis and the Franciscan brothers seemed to resonate with something deep within me. It was a kind of knowing that this was the answer to questions you didn’t even know you were asking. A response to a long felt inner desire or longing. By the time the actual day to attend the Vocations Day I had managed to set aside the feelings that were producing the cold feet and rested more in the inner knowing that this is something I just had to do. To bite the bullet as they say. The day finally arrived and I was eager to attend the session as planned and also to finally meet the brother I had been in contact with.

I finally met Br John-Francis in person at the Vocations Day. He, and other brothers and sisters, welcomed myself and other aspiring young religious (well young in religious life perhaps). During the day it became obvious that previous events had been pointing me in this direction. Here was the opportunity to begin to make the connection of the way in which recent (indeed even distant) events had set the scene for my discovery of a call to religious life within the Society of St Francis. In the next post I will continue with how one particular connection began to change the direction of my life when I continue with A Vocation Journey: meeting St Francis for Again.

St Pauls Anglican Cathedral, London, UK

Are you under 40?
Want to serve those who are poor … to pray … and live in community …
Thought about Religious Life?

Why not try
Exlploring francsican life

In the previous post A Vocation Journey: meeting St Francis I wrote about how my dear friend Wendy had taken me to visit the Chapel of the Holy Cross in Sedona, AZ. I also wrote about how that place felt like a ‘place of presence’ and that I was particularly taken by a small figurine in the garden of a man holding birds in his hands.

As Wendy pointed out in a previous comment neither of us realized the magic that was occurring that day. It wasn’t until I continued my journey to the UK that the ‘next step in a journey of a thousand miles’ would reveal the next kairos moment in my vocation journey.

Prior to leaving Australia my friend Emma and I had become regular worshipers at a local community church. I even began to think about pursuing a vocation to the priesthood once again. I had actually had feelings about some form of ‘ministry’, perhaps as a missionary, since I was a teenager, however, circumstances often resulted in that not being realised. It was an indication that my feelings toward the church had undergone quite a healing process.

When I arrived in London I wanted to continue attending church and began looking around for some place to worship. I was living and working at the Great Ormond St Hospital for Children, not far from Central London. I looked around at a few places but I did not really ‘connect’ with anywhere. I had spent most of my childhood through to early adulthood in the Salvation Army but had moved on from the Army for various reasons, so I did not feel at home there. I stopped into a few non denominational ‘community’ or ‘local’ churches but did not really feel at home their either.

In-between my Salvo days and the community church I attended with my friend Emma I had tried out several mainstream and very on (or over) the edge christian, pagan and cult churches and religions. I think I was beginning to get onto that cycle again. Then I arrived at a place I felt I could connect with.

On a ‘Red Bus’ tour of London one day I stopped to visit St Paul’s Cathedral. Not wanting to pay to see a church I decided to attend one of the services, and then do the tourist thing afterward. The music and the liturgy of the worship really spoke to me in a way that other liturgies had not. The colours of vestments, the singing of the hymns and psalms, the Eucharistic prayers, all of this really got inside me. It had been a long time since I felt ‘at home’ in a church. From that day on St Paul’s was to be my regular (well as regular as one can on shift work) place of worship. I joined the Friends of St Paul’s which got me into the church for free outside of service times and I explored that place literally from top to bottom; from the crypt to the gallery, to the outside of the top of the Cathedral dome. I knew that place inside out.

I had been living in London for less than a year when another dear friend and ‘mother’ came to visit the UK. Indeed it was Julie who had been instrumental in my making the move to work in London. She loved England and had always wanted to visit it. I think some of her encouragement of my trip was part of her longing to see the UK as well. When I heard Julie, her daughter Mel, and some of their friends were coming to London I was stoked. I was missing home a little, but more than that I had the opportunity to show my friends around. I was really glad to see them, for if not for Julie’s constant persuasion I may never had actually made the move to go there.

We didn’t have a lot of time to show them around as they had made plans for a cook’s tour of some of the places Julie had always wanted to go to. While in London it was decided we would do the ‘Red Bus’ tour. I seem to recally not being all that excited about doing the bus tour … been there done that. However, off we went.

The bus did its usual route and we stopped off at St Paul’s. While inside the others were wandering around looking here and there looking at this great piece of church history. Meanwhile, not being overly keen on the idea of the bus trip in the first place I wandered around, almost aimlessly, while they took in the sight and atmosphere for the first time.

Exploring Franciscan Life: vocation pamphlet from St Pauls, London.

Over in the corner near the exit I saw a small unobtrusive table. On it was a pile of green pamphlets that attracted my attention; being a compulsive pamphlet collecter. I quickly viewed the cover noting the questions at the top of the paper:

Are you under 40?
Want to serve those who are poor … to pray … and live in community …
Thought about Religious Life?

Why not try

Exploring Franciscan Life

As I read those questions I could hear myself saying YES!. For some reason there was something about those questions that opened up something inside, it was like through them I had found an answer to a question that had played over and over in my mind throughout most of my life. It is a little hard to explain, however, it is one of those moments where for the briefest of seconds everything in life makes sense.

I was careful not to let the others see I had picked up the pamphlet. I looked around, no they were no where in sight. To be sure they didn’t see me I quickly put it in my pocket and kept wandering around.

Julie and Mel are two of the greatest influences in my life. They have been through great joys and sorrows with me. I don’t know why I didn’t want them to see the pamphlet, they have supported me in all decisions I have made in my life. Though they would not call themselves religious, they have never said a bad word against my beliefs.

I eventually found them and we got back into the bus to continue on the tour. I sat behind them. I wanted to read more of the pamplet I had picked up. Though I was still not keen on letting anyone know I had taken an interest in its contents. I surreptitiously read its contents.

Inside the Franciscan vocation pamphlet (click for larger view)

As I read about St Francis and learned of the life and work of the Anglican Franciscan sisters and brothers that kairos moment of clarity happened again. My curiosity was more than peaked now. I had to know more about who these Franciscans were and what were they all about.

The pamphlet was advertising a vocations day jointly run by Anglican and Roman Catholic Franciscans. A day to hear stories of vocation, find out about their life, have some Biblical reflection, share questions and answers, followed by lunch and an ecumenical liturgy in St Martins-in-the-Field church. I had to know more, there was a website, but how to slip away from the group. I made some feeble excuse and went off to the nearest internet cafe to look up the website of the Franciscan vocation team from Hilfield Friary, Dorset.

As I indicated earlier I knew little of religious communities. A far cry from Salvation Army life, and further still from some of the odd ‘religious’ groups I had encountered on my religious wanderings. I think my only concept of religious life was what I got from television, the only one of which had any real impact was The Nun’s Story, staring Audrey Hepburn as Sr Luke a Nun who is driven to serve the poor through caring for the sick in the Congo. I may have seen other movies, or had other ideas but none that really stuck with me. Though I do recall being intrigued as to whether or not there were male Nuns doing the same. I think the impact of this movie was what fueled my interest in being a missionary when I was in the Salvos, that and the stories of missionaries who would come to our Corps.

I checked out the website of the vocations team and I was more than convinced that I wanted to attend that vocations day. I sent off an email straight away to make contact with a member of the vocations team.

In the next post I want to continue this vocation journey by recounting my first encounter with the Franciscans … A Vocation Journey: meeting Br John-Francis.

The Chapel of the Holy Cross: Sedona, AZ.

According to the ancient Chinese proverb, A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

In a previous post, A Vocation Journey: the road to Damascus, I wrote of how my Christian journey had gone from one of faith, to no faith, to a re-discovered faith. I recalled how I was challenged to re-think my attitude toward Christianity. Indeed a kairos moment between myself and a colleague led to my returning to Church and being renewed in my faith in a way that would be yet unrecognised.

In this post I want to pick up from that kairos moment to another which would set in motion a series of seemingly unrelated events that would eventuate in my move to religious life in the Society of St Francis.

But as the ancient proverb states, a journey of thousand miles must begin with one step, so I don’t want to jump too far ahead but begin with what became the first step; however unknowingly.

I was working at the Westmead Children’s Hospital as an operating room nurse. One evening I had a call from my flat mate. We had been robbed, our flat had been cleaned out, even opened bottles of expensive colognes were not exempt from the ‘liberation’ of our belongings. It was not a good time, not only had I lost all my belongings but I was in the final stages of editing my honours thesis for submission.

At that same time I received, from what seemed out of the blue, a card from my uncle in Aotearoa, New Zealand, wondering when and if I might come and visit some time. As well I had often looked into working overseas but always managed to find a reason not too; to many possessions, what would I do with this, too busy studying, what about my thesis. I managed to concoct several reasons to stay set in my ways. My flat mate and I also had a major falling out over the events and had decided to move out.

I talked to a dear friend of mine, who was mother figure and friend in my life, about all that had happened. She said, “why not move out of your flat, leave your things with me, go and see your uncle and then come back and see where things go from there; you can use your bond money to do it”. It sounded like a good plan to me. Fortunately my thesis supervisor had working copies of my thesis and I was able to get it in without too much delay; even managing to get a 2nd class div 1 hons.

I moved out of my flat and funded a trip to see my uncle out of the bond money. I had a long talk with my uncle, the world traveler, who advised me to get out and see the world and life would look differently.

After I got back from Aotearoa something was afoot. I had received a letter from an international nursing recruting agency wondering whether or not I would like to work in the UK. Hearing from recruiters was not uncommon; as I said I had made lots of enquiries over the years. What was perplexing, however, was how the letter ended up at my friend’s place where I was temporarily living. When I moved from the old place I had told no one where I was going, not even the post office for mail forwarding.

At this point a few friends I worked with from the hospital were also considering going to work in the UK. We were looking at different hospitals but ended up deciding to work at the one place; the Great Ormond St Hospital for Sick Children in London.

I decided to leave earlier than the others and go and visit a few places I’d always wanted to go to, and to see people I had not seen in a long time or even met before. I planned to visit NZ, Hawaii (one of my uncle’s favourite places), Anaheim CA (old childhood Disneyland fantasy) and most importantly Flagstaff, AZ.

During the writing of my thesis I had contact with a lady in AZ who had researched a similar topic and we had developed quite a friendship over email correspondence. Wendy had become a great friend, even though we had never met, she had been a great support to me during the writing of my thesis. As I was passing through the US I could not wait to see if we could meet up, which we did.

I had a great few days with Wendy among the many touristy kind of things we did, the Grand Canyon of course, she also took my to Sedona. What a wonderful place. Wendy particularly wanted to show me the Chapel of the Holy Cross. It is a simple chapel built into the red rocks of Sedona. I love that colour red, it reminds me very much of the lovely ochre red of outback Australia.

Figurine of St Francis of Assisi, Chapel of the Holy Cross Sedona, AZ.

As I wandered around the Chapel I was taken in by its amazing presence, not just physically, but in a greater more spiritual kind of way. It felt like a ‘place of presence’. What struck me particularly was a small unassuming figurine of a man holding up two birds in his hands.

I didn’t think much of it at the time. Being raised in the Salvation Army I didn’t know much about Saints. I may have heard something of St Francis. I don’t quite remember. However, there was something about that figurine that seemed to say quite a lot to me. It is a shame that at the time I didn’t realise the full connection between this simple figurine and the rest of my life; for it was at this kairos moment that I first met St Francis of Assisi.

We left the red rocks of Sedona and I continued my journey onto the UK, having been thankful for the opportunity to meet an exceptional woman and dear friend. In the next ‘episode’ I continue with the way in which I kept ‘meeting’ St Francis and how my calling to a Franciscan life was beginning to reveal itself.

A close up of the figurine of St Francis of Assisi: Chapel of the Holy Cross, Sedona, AZ.

Please feel free to send comments, thoughts suggestions to me also if you don’t want to post to this site, or YouTube. Email Br Nathan-James.

You can view the video at YouTube here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhfkeAj37fU

Open Space Technology enables groups of any size to address complex, important issues and achieve meaningful results quickly.

I have to say I’m not the one to quickly jump on the band wagon of the latest fad to be introduced. And I’m certainly one who is more interested in structured approaches to things. I prefer to know the who, what how, where and when of things; not the whoever comes, whatever happens approach we heard about and experienced on out last formation weekend.

But I’m also one to acknowledge insight from things, regardless of how ‘gimmicky’ it can sound at the time. We had an opportunity to experience this style of meeting leadership. Where you basically ‘go with the flow’ and essentially what happens happens.

So there we were sitting around but finally conversations began to take off. Of course what happens on tour stays on tour but I’m happy to share some interesting observations I made from the session about the experiences I have been having with formation over the last year; which as some know has been the proverbial roller coaster ride.

The main insight for me was that when it comes to participating in the formation program I’m currently involved in I sometimes feel out of phase, kind of like trying to stand in two worlds at one time and not necessarily feeling anchored in either one. The consequence seems to be a tendency toward bucking at the feeling of being out of sync. What does that mean.

Well on the one hand I feel like I’ve already survived a formation process where my world for a while was turned upside down and all over the place. Landing in pieces I felt like I had to re-establish my world as a person taking on a life in religious vows. And for a while that seemed to be heading toward a calm sea. I could see direction and began to feel as though my sense of vocation have finally found some beginnings of stability.

Then when I commenced the ordained ministry formation program I felt jolted right back to the roller coaster again. I felt I was being asked to go back to the beginning of that whole process of being torn apart and being ‘formed’ again, but this time only to essentially return to do the things I was doing already. I also felt that while there was an abstact level of acknowledgement of my previous roller coaster ride of formation there was no sesne of a concrete acceptance of it.

On the weekend as I talked about how I was feeling about this, how I felt in some sense being pulled between two worlds I began to realise where part of the tension comes for me and how that tension gets expressed often in not so productive ways.

As I was driving down the freeway tonight, or should I say sitting in the Coronation Drv parking lot, I was thinking a little more about this. I was trying to get to College to join some other ordinands for evening prayer.

As I was waiting for a parking officer to come along and book me for being in a no standing zone, commonly called the express way, I realised another aspect of the tension. In some respects many ordinands have been told to give up their former lives of positions they had in the secular world to enter a new mode of vocation, hence the need for a period of transition and time of adjusting and learning, commonly called formation.

Yet here I was leaving behind my community who I would normally be with for evening prayer to be with another community for evening prayer, thinking that this is where it all feels a bit odd, and out of sync. That is while it is true of many, but certainly not all ordinands, formation is a period of leaving one mode of life and entering another; specifically, leaving a world of predominantly secular to predominantly religious, for myslelf and a few others, this is not such a clean distinction.

For those who have held secular professions and now moving toward a religious vocation that cut seem clean and necessary. But what of people who are in the process, for whom there is no leaving, no clean cut. That is, I am not being called out of religious life as a Franciscan to start a new religious vocation. I will continue to live the vows I have taken in the community I made my profession in; and God willing soon make this a life decision and make my life profession in vows. I am not being called to seperate from vocation but rather to continue to express that vocation, perhaps with an added dimension of ordained ministry.

When attend a Tuesday Mass or Friday evening prayer I think about how I leave my community that I am called to, to be a part of a group that I feel out of step with.

I hope reading this you don’t get the impression that I think I know it all and that the formation program I am presently a part of has no value. It does. I think that what I am saying is that I need to look at how being part of two expression of vocation, one of which I feel formed and in continual formation with, and the other which feels like it is sending me back to the beginnings of the life long journey of formation that I began over 5 years ago, feels to me like I’m out of sync and constantly having to adjust each time I move between the two.

I think this was the most significant part of my last weekend, and has given me some interesting things to think about.